


Whispered Prayers and Protests

by IllegalCerebral



Series: CM Bingo 2019 [12]
Category: Criminal Minds (US TV)
Genre: Angst, Cross-Posted on Tumblr, F/M, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Secret Relationship, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-21
Updated: 2019-12-21
Packaged: 2021-02-26 05:48:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,454
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21888406
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/IllegalCerebral/pseuds/IllegalCerebral
Summary: Emily had never been one for pretending things were fine when they were not. It was in her nature to drag problems into the light where their ugliness was on full view and then proceed to hack it apart. It wasn’t always without consequences and it was never pretty but it fucking worked and it was better than living in denial. Spencer was the opposite. So too was JJ as it turned out.JJ's confession has consequences for Emily's secret relationship with Spencer but she can't ignore the fact her best friend is in pain as much as she's hurting those around her.
Relationships: Emily Prentiss/Spencer Reid, Jennifer "JJ" Jareau & Emily Prentiss
Series: CM Bingo 2019 [12]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1272575
Comments: 7
Kudos: 55





	Whispered Prayers and Protests

Mistake number one was falling for a team member. 

No, there were ways around that. Mistake number one was falling for a subordinate.

“Is it wrong of me to say that’s part of the appeal?” Spencer asked as they lay in the dark, the warmth of each other’s bodies almost keeping the doubts and anxieties at bay.

“Yes,” Emily mumbled, eyes screwed shut. How had she let it get this far? In the beginning she had told herself it was a one-night stand, two nights, three nights, friends with benefits.

“It isn’t the only appeal” Spencer brushed his lips against her shoulder but still Emily didn’t dare open her eyes. He got this look afterwards, all big, soft eyes that made her melt and most dangerously made her spend the night and stay for breakfast. “Please,” his voice dropped to a whisper, “Please don’t think this is the only think I want from you.”

There it was, the thing that kept her coming back, that made her risk her career. Emily rolled onto her side, eyes open now and staring into his.

“You are very hard to say no to Spencer”

“It’s not on purpose I promise,” he grinned.

“You know this is a problem though right? If anyone finds out about this-“

“They won’t.”

“God,” Emily rolled onto her back, hands covering her face, “This is such a mess. I’m too old to be sneaking around.”

“Technically we aren’t sneaking,” Spencer reached out and cupped Emily’s cheek, “We just…haven’t told anyone.”

“Yeah I don’t think the AD would consider that an excuse for breaking fraternisation rules,” Emily sighed, “seriously Spencer if this gets out we’re both done at the bureau.” That made the smile fall from his face. Spencer’s gaze grew unfocused, his brow creased into a frown as he went somewhere far away. A pang of guilt stabbed at Emily. “I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be.” Spencer kissed her forehead and when he pulled back the frown had gone, “I understand. I’m not being fair.”

“I do want this Spencer, so much. So much it hurts,” Emily whispered, “but I can’t see it ending well.”

“We’ll work it out, I promise.”

* * *

Mistake number two was not seeing what was wrong with her best friend. Mistake number three was not seeing what was wrong with a member of her team. Same person but Emily had two lenses through which to sense JJ’s distress and she had ignored both.

It must have started before the hostage situation, Emily realised later, but that’s what threw everything into focus. Someone outside of the team debriefed JJ and Spencer, as was standard. The reports Emily received were all in order if a little perfunctory but she didn’t think too much of them. The overwhelming relief of having Spencer back in her arms later that night pushed aside anything else.

“I was so scared,” Emily sobbed, trying to muffle the sound in Spencer’s shirt.

“I know,” he pulled her close to him, rubbing small circles on her back in attempt to soothe her.

“I love you so fucking much that…I honestly don’t know how I would go on if you died.” Emily looked up at him, lip trembling. It wasn’t how exactly she had imagined telling him.

The look on Spencer’s face sent a chill into the pit of her stomach. His brow was creased in anguish and his mouth twisted.

“I love you too.” That was true. Emily could always tell when Spencer was lying; he was so bad at it. He did love her. He was in love with her but there was something else. Spencer distracted Emily with a kiss and she was so exhausted she let him.

Emily had never been one for pretending things were fine when they were not. It was in her nature to drag problems into the light where their ugliness was on full view and then proceed to hack it apart. It wasn’t always without consequences and it was never pretty but it fucking worked and it was better than living in denial.

Spencer was the opposite. So too was JJ as it turned out.

Emily probably should have noticed something was up at Rossi’s wedding but the giddy delight at seeing the man who was like a father to her get married, mixed with the relief that Spencer was okay, dulled her perception. Yes she was a little curious when she saw Spencer and JJ talking quietly by the bar, JJ staring at the floor and Spencer looking like he was trying to piece together a collapsed building with duct tape and PVA glue. On returning to their table, Spencer brushed away Emily’s questioning look, and distracted her with an awkward yet endearing dance. None of that seemed a problem at that point but over the next few weeks it became one.

Firstly JJ and Spencer’s jokes and friendly banter became stilted before eventually stopping. Eating lunch together ceased being a regular thing and then so did sitting side by side in the briefing room and on the jet. Then they stopped making eye contact or speaking unless it was necessary. Finally JJ shuffled into Emily’s office one day and asked to stop being paired up with Spencer in the field.

“Why?”

JJ blinked, clearly caught off guard by the response. Had she just expected Emily to say yes and leave it at that? A knot twisted in Emily’s gut. Should that have been her response? Maybe prying would seem suspicious.

No, she shoved the thought away. Something was wrong and a good team leader would find out what. Emily folded her arms, her face a mask as JJ twisted her hands, shifting almost unconsciously into a defensive stance.

“We aren’t…working well together right now and I don’t want that to have a negative effect on the cases we’re working.”

“JJ that isn’t an explanation. Everyone’s noticed how strangely you’ve been behaving over the past few weeks. I need to know-“

“You really don’t.” It came out sharply. JJ’s acidic tongue was usually reserved for unsubs, her mother or anyone she had to put in their place. It was never used on her friends and definitely never Emily.

“I’m the Unit Chief. I am responsible for the wellbeing of every person on this team, for our performance in the field, and the reputation of this Unit and the Bureau as a whole when we’re on a case. So yeah JJ, I do need to know if any of that is at risk because of a personal conflict between two of my team.”

The nerves in JJ’s jaw twitched but her lips stayed clamped together, twisted into a grimace.

“You’re best friends,” Emily hoped she sounded soothing, “whatever this is can’t be that bad.” She thought back to her first case after her resurrection, when Spencer had yelled at JJ in the police station. The dawning horror on JJ’s face when she was finally hit with the implication of her decisions had stayed with Emily a long time.

_“I don’t know how to make him see that I had no choice,” JJ had sobbed afterwards, “why does he have to be so stubborn?”_

_Emily bit back the response threatening to spill out of her. You can’t be this naïve, you can’t honestly think that no one would be hurt. You did what you had to do, I will always be grateful you saved my life but you need to apologise for the people you hurt to do that._

_The words wouldn’t come. JJ wouldn’t have listened anyway. In the end it was Emily who apologised to Spencer, kind of. In a way that would make her feel guilty until her dying breath, she leveraged his sadness and his desperation for Emily to be okay to get him to make up with JJ and to come to Rossi’s cooking lesson. As far as JJ thought all was forgiven and eventually, by pretending hard enough, it was._

“This is Spencer’s problem not mine,” JJ said finally, “ He’s fixated on the hostage situation and he’s projecting a dynamic onto our friendship that I’m not comfortable with.” Without another word she was out the door, leaving Emily with a cold, creeping sensation.

* * *

“I’m wearing my Unit Chief hat right now.” Emily was pleased she kept the tremor from her voice as she settled down onto Spencer’s couch. He looked at her warily, anticipating the question he had been hoping to avoid.

“The JJ thing…I’m dealing with it.”

“What is it?” Emily asked, “JJ said you-“

“She told me she loved me when we were taken hostage.”

For the rest of life Emily would regret what she did next. Without a word, deaf to all of Spencer’s pleading, she got up and walked out the door.

What a hypocrite. What a fucking hypocrite, she thought as she drove home. Her sobs caused the car to swerve a little on the deserted road but she needed to escape, to be alone with the crushing sadness that had washed over her. The rational part of her mind knew it was selfish to leave Spencer like that. Emily also knew that JJ’s feelings weren’t reciprocated, Spencer didn’t feel the same. Emily didn’t even have to ask him to know that, she knew him too well. There was no chance of Spencer luring JJ away from her husband and children and running off with her to start a life together.

So why did Emily feel so vulnerable? So betrayed?

* * *

“Is there something in the water?”

Emily frowned up at Rossi leaning in the doorway of her office.

“There must be,” he continued, “first JJ and Reid and now you. You’ve all been dosed with something. It’s the only way to explain your weird behaviour.”

Emily groaned. A week had passed since she had run out of Spencer’s apartment and she had ignored all his texts and calls. At work she followed his and JJ’s leads of putting on a mask and pretending nothing was wrong but inside she was dying.

“For the record, you and the boy genius weren’t as subtle as you thought you were,” Rossi sat down opposite Emily. He held up a hand as she tried to speak. “Everyone, or mostly everyone was really happy for you. Now none of us know exactly what went down in that pawn shop expect JJ and Reid but we can guess the broad strokes. That’s for them to deal with. Yours and Spencer’s relationship is for you to deal with.”

“She told him she loves him and then she stopped talking to him,” protested Emily, “That’s not going to sort itself out!”

“Are you jealous?”

“Yes!”

“You know he doesn’t feel that way about her,” said Rossi with a sad smile, “if we’re being honest I think JJ’s feelings may be a little…confused. Hey we’ve all been there, the slightest bit of kindness and affection and we whip out a ring. Feelings are messy and easily misinterpreted.”

“I think that particular scenario is unique to you.”

They sat in silence for a moment, Emily couldn’t meet Rossi’s gaze.

“I hate seeing him hurt,” she mumbled, “then I went and hurt him even more.”

“So fix it.” Rossi stood up and gave a small shrug. Emily followed him out of her and on to the walkway above the bullpen.

“Reid my office.”

God he looked pissed. Spencer had every right to look pissed and Emily stood in front of him with her head bowed, face burning.

“I handled that really badly.” When Spencer didn’t speak she continued. “I should have stayed and listened and we could have worked a way through this together. Instead I got scared and I ran.”

“But why?” Spencer sighed, “What are you scared of? You know that I don’t feel the same way about JJ.”

“Logically I know that,” Emily nodded, “I guess…you’ve known each other longer and you went on that date once-“

Spencer snorted. His frown was threatening to slip into a smile, albeit a tired one, but Emily’s heart lifted a little.

“It was the most awkward night of my life and it only came about because Gideon assumed I would be interested in someone like JJ romantically because that’s obvious right? I was awkward and geeky and need to have my personality quirks kept firmly in check by the more socially well adjusted people around me so I should be grateful that the pretty, blonde, popular girl likes me right?”

“Okay when you say it like that it sounds stupid,” Emily shifted a little.

“Gideon thought it and I think JJ assumed so too.”

“She said that?”

“She didn’t have to,” Spencer muttered, “Her reaction to this whole mess, a mess she caused by the way, says as much.”

They stood in silence for a moment, a tired sadness hanging between them.

“Can you forgive me?” Emily asked, “I don’t want this to be the way this ends.”

“I do forgive you,” Spencer took her hand, “I should have told you sooner, I was just…”

“Scared?”

He gave a small laugh, fragile and thin but he tugged her closer, wrapping his arms around Emily, cocooning her in a warm embrace.

“So what are we going to do?” he asked.

Emily didn’t answer, she just buried her face into Spencer’s sweater, because she had no idea.

* * *

“We need to talk.” JJ’s eyes narrowed at Emily’s words but she didn’t let it get to her. The bullpen was pretty much empty; everyone else had escaped home. Since the hostage incident JJ had been staying later and later and Emily used the opportunity to make her stand. This way if everything did go wrong at least there would be no witnesses. Still, for extra privacy Emily invited JJ into her office.

“This has gone on long enough. Spencer has explained to me what happened in the pawn shop and I think the rest team has pieced it together based on how the two of you have been behaving.”

JJ stood there in stony silence, arms folded. Emily had the distinct impression they were gearing up for a fight.

“Are you saying this as my boss or as Spencer’s girlfriend?”

The word girlfriend was spat out with so much venom that Emily thought it might burn through her. Still she stood her ground.

“I am saying this as _your_ friend,” Emily said firmly, “as someone who is concerned for you.”

There was an almost imperceptible waiver in JJ’s demeanour before she drew herself inwards again.

“Don’t say you’re concerned.”

“This whole thing has come out of nowhere, or at least it appears to have come from nowhere. I want to understand why you said what you said.”

“Because it was the truth,” JJ yelled. Emily flinched at the unexpected outcry. “Because I do love him. Because I’ve always loved him and I don’t need you or Spencer or Will or the Bureau therapist telling me I’m confused or traumatised or whatever.”

“You told Will?”

“Of course I told Will. He’s my husband. He’s…the centre of my world. I had to tell him. As soon as we got back from the case, I sat him down before Rossi’s wedding.” JJ’s lip quivered. How long had she been waiting to unload all of this, Emily wondered.

It hit her then. JJ wasn’t gearing up for a fight; she wanted a release. She wanted someone to listen.

“Will said that I should talk to the Bureau therapist,” JJ sniffed, “he seems to think this whole thing has something to do with my abduction, with Tivon Askari but that was six years ago Emily. It has nothing to do with this.”

Six years ago almost to the day, Emily noted but she said nothing. Instead she sat on her couch and gestured to the seat next to her. JJ frowned but when Emily didn’t say anything she sat down. After a pause she continued, her voice tinged with caution as she tried to gather back the composure lost in the outburst.

“I don’t think Will’s right but he was so…ugh he was so kind and understanding and I just wanted him to yell or show some kind of reaction you know?”

“I do. Will’s always been super laid back though, he has an…easy manner,” said Emily.”

“Even when his wife says she’s in love with someone else,” scoffed JJ, “he should have gotten mad. I would have.”

There was no way Emily was going to prod at that particular point just yet so she steered the conversation away.

“So you went to the therapist?”

“He said the same thing as Will, that I am misplacing my feelings and that I am using Spencer as an excuse to ‘sabotage my support system because I feel like I don’t deserve it’. It’s such bullshit.”

“What about Spencer?”

“He’s just like Will,” JJ mumbled. Her gaze had gradually grown more unfocused. It was like she wasn’t really answering Emily despite being guided by her questions. “He said I don’t really love him, not in that way. I told him I did and I always had and he…he laughed. I don’t think he meant to be cruel but he said that I had always treated him like a little brother and that’s the relationship we’ve always had. We could never be together like that.”

Her lip quivered again and Emily gingerly put and arm round JJ’s shoulders. When JJ didn’t pull away Emily pulled her closer and the dam finally broke.

“It’s okay. It’s all going to be okay. You just feel however you need to feel right now,” whispered Emily, “We can sit here as long as you need.”

She wasn’t crying over Spencer. She was crying over not being believed, over having her feelings dismissed. Will and the therapist and Spencer were all right, Emily knew, but they hadn’t helped.

Hours ticked by as JJ cried and Emily sat there having long given up trying to work out what to do. She had half a mind to ask JJ if they could swap over when they were done so that she could cry for a while. By the time JJ stopped and moved stiffly out of Emily’s embrace it was about 5am.

“Now what?” she asked, thickly.

“What do you want to happen?” asked Emily. Truthfully she had no clue. It was too much to hope for that one discussion would fix everything. Perhaps it couldn’t be fixed. Emily knew things would never go back to the way they were but perhaps it was even too much to hope for that they could find a new way.

“If you could find a way to go back in time and make it so I never said anything to Spencer that would great.”

“Oh if I could do that there are a million things I’d change,” Emily said with a tired chuckle.

“You know after Hotch and I faked your death the team never really trusted me again?” said JJ.

“You and Spencer made up and everyone else-“

“Was just happy you were back,” said JJ, “and I know that the only reason Spencer forgave me was because you asked him to. Garcia and I stopped having girls’ night when you left. Morgan and I stopped training together. Hotch and I did the right thing, I will always believe that, but I was still punished.”

“I was given a death sentence.” The retort slipped from Emily before she could bite it back.

“If you were given a choice-“

“I wasn’t and neither was the team. You and Hotch decided for them. We felt the same lack of control that you’re feeling right now.”

JJ said nothing, just stared down at her hands. The anger Emily had feel had cooled over the years but is she had been given the choice she would have done things differently. Being stabbed and branded by Doyle showed her that she was always weaker on her own. Emily wouldn’t have left again.

“Doing the right thing doesn’t mean that people don’t get hurt,” Emily said.

“Like Will and Spencer?”

“I can’t speak for Will and you should really talk to Spencer yourself but he’s lost his best friend and he’s really feeling it.”

“He still has you.”

Emily ignored the bitterness in the words. She didn’t have the power to make JJ see things from her or Spencer’s perspective and as frustrated as she was JJ was still hurting and ridicule wouldn’t help.

“I think you two should talk,” Emily stood up, “really talk.”

“And then what?”

“Then we find a way to move forward,” said Emily.

_I hope._

**Author's Note:**

> This is my last entry for CM Bingo 2019! This fic is for my Free Space and I've chosen to do secret dating.


End file.
